Monday, June 19, 2006

What I Believed

I'm currently in Tacloban, was here since yesterday. I'm enjoying, though I am most of the time alone in my room as by partner has work in a beach resort for his OJT. . .

When I was young, I was always made to believe
That everytime my fingers get pricked
A simple kiss from mom would make the ouchie go away.

Growing up I was always taught
That if at night I couldn’t sleep
And if shadows lurk and fear runs deep
All I had to do was close my eyes
And my fears would vanish.

Why was it that when we were kids
Our elders always told us
That if we just closed our eyes
And wished hard and long enough
Our dreams would come true.

Our knights in shining armor
Would gallop our way and save us.
Our princesses would come
And bring light to our lives.
All worries and fears would disappear
If we just believed.

I have tried to live by this creed
And worked hard to believe in the goodness of all
I have even let go of silly ambitions
To pursue grander dreams I thought would come true
Because I have always tried to believe.

I gave my heart to the first person whom I believed would love me
Because I was taught that if you worked hard for it
And believed that your love is forever
Your fairytale romance will come true.

All my life I have done nothing but believe
And when the going got tougher
I simply closed my eyes and wished for the fear to go away.
That if I asked someone I loved to kiss my hurt,
Then the pain will vanish.

Now I am older, wiser
Or so I like to think.
I still cling to the beliefs of the past
I still hope and dream and wish that the good will last.
I have done everything my mom and those before me have advised
I have tried to believe and to hold on and trust
In the process I’ve burned my heart
And lost my soul.
I’ve given up on real dreams
And went on chasing silly fantasies.
In the end my heart suffered.
In the end I’ve failed.

Now I am older, wiser
Or so I desperately wish to be.
I have found out in the hardest and most painful of ways
That contrary to my mom’s advice
A simple kiss does not make the hurt go away.
Sometimes the kiss gives even more pain than cure.

I have learned that my fears do not simply vanish
By closing my eyes and hoping it goes away.
Sometimes doing so makes us even more vulnerable
And in the process we end up relying too much on darkness for comfort.

Dreams are good and give you hope
But they are simply that, dreams
I have learned not to pin my world on love and trust
For sometimes are dreams blind us from even the most blatant truths.
I have to love myself first, and love myself more
Before I can even dare hope that I will be happy with someone else.

I have learned life’s lessons the hard way
I have learned that not everything taught to us when we were young was true.
Sometimes, you just have to cry and let it go.
Sometimes, you just have to move on and never look back.
A kiss is just a kiss and not a cure.
Dreams and wishes and hopes are nothing but just that.
It’s time to move on. It’s time to go.

(I wrote this a few days ago ... if you're asking where I got the emotions, don't. I don't want to go there...for now).

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